DON’T TELL THIS TO YOUR DAUGHTER

Why do women like bad boys?

The answer, at least in par, lies in our upbringing and accepting toxic behaviour as the norm. So, how does this influence decisions later on once your child is grown?

Let’s start by not telling girls that boys who tease them and are aggressive must like them a lot.

Did he pull your hair? Well, he has to like you, darling.

Did he put maggots in your lunchbox at school? He’s doing this as a sign of affection.

Did he snatch your diary from you, read a few pages, and then rip it in two? Well, he is interested in you, which means he likes you very much!

In every family, in such a situation, there will be someone who will quote the violent behaviour of boys towards girls in a similar way. He likes you. Let us consider for a moment what harm is done to young girls by surrounding them with such messages.

1. Little girls are taught that violence and aggression are an acceptable way to show interest and affection.

What an adult may understand from a situation may be completely incomprehensible to a 6–10 year old girl. Sometimes adults in relations compete — be it in the form of drawing attention to themselves, giving the cold shoulder to the one that they are interested in to try and get more attention, light taunts, etc. Most couples will relate to a light teasing from their partner followed by a joint laugh in amusement. Therefore it happens that some adults will then try to transfer the context to the relationships which their children may have. Although children are very honest in their being, they are not usually prone to sub-context and do not understand these messages like adults. So if little Rosie has it crammed into her head that someone who is pulling her ponytail, pushing her, calling her names — that they in fact have feelings for her. Then 19-year old Rosie will be subconsciously choosing boys with similar behaviour although in a teenage form.

2. This teaches little boys that this is one of the primary ways of expressing emotions.

Ignoring situations when a boy aggressively accosts a girl by saying ‘boys will be boys’ is a waste of an opportunity to teach the boy other ways of expressing himself. Why boys do this is quite complicated and I’ll cover it in another animation. However, it is worth remembering that this type of behaviour in boys is a strong sign of displacing certain uncomfortable feelings and replacing them with others that are equally strong but accepted. In this case, by force.

3. This perpetuates a toxic violent culture

American associations dealing with violence in relationships estimate that between the ages of 16 and 24, young people experience three times more relationship violence than older people aged 25+. Often, people from such relationships are harmed for years. It is not an “experience”, it is often harming the other person permanently.

4. Children do not learn that such behaviour can be stopped, and they do not learn to set limits

Accepting such toxic abuse, for both boys and girls, does not teach these children a very important skill — assertive separation from the abusive individual. It is in fact perfectly acceptable behaviour to remove some aggression from the company but children do not know how to do it, whether it is worth it and what consequences it may bring.

Children have the right not to associate with such violent company, that these people are not their friends. It is worth teaching children to set healthy boundaries and privacy that should not be violated by anyone, that they can inform about and that they try to protect.

5. And the last, but very important reason — it teaches children that there are different types of friendship.

Two standards are taught to children. That friendship between girls and then women can be based on trust, sympathy and nice situations. Additionally the friendship between men is also positive, doing fun, sometimes small and shy but important compliments. For both female relationships with other females and male relationships with other males it is based on appreciation and support.

Unfortunately the second standard is that a friendship between a female and make is either impossible or based on constant competition. It does not make sense. Why do we have to learn to unite with a partner only after we get burned in our first, second or third relationship?

Can we finally stop supporting this toxic culture? Much depends on us — our parents — how we relate to such a violent situation. Thanks to our reactions, children will be able to set healthy limits, be able to defend themselves and know when to. Children will also learn that a friendship between a man and a woman is not based on constant annoyance, but on respect.

Of course, the aspect of “Must like you very much” is a very clear sign of acceptance of a toxic, violent culture, but there are many more and we will certainly discuss them here in Practical Parenting.