PUNISHMENTS AND REWARDS — IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY?
Taken from the Video: PUNISHMENTS AND REWARDS — Is there any other way? @practicalparenting
Recently, a friend asked me what is the difference between punishing and enforcing consequences on your child. I attempted to answer him, but in all honesty it did not go very well. As he started to drill down on the topic in an attempt to get into the nuances, I failed to grasp the words of the idea supporting the practice which I am convinced of, practice and learn all the time. This article is dedicated to specific lessons on how punishments differ from positive discipline and how punishments affect a child’s upbringing.
I have divided today’s article into two parts. In the first part, I will describe the mechanism of punishments and rewards, as we traditionally understand them and how they affect education and people. The second part will tackle the aspect of positive discipline, a method contrasting the punishments and rewards technique.
Part 1
Penalties and rewards
When we talk about punishment, there will also be rewards involved. There is a vast amount of literature regarding the impact of punishments and rewards; and how they affect human motivation and its development. What I will be mainly basing my points on today are from the theories by Alfi Kohn and his book “Unconditional Parenting.” Additionally there are some points from some other Authors and my own personal experience.
Most importantly, the psychological research regarded in Kohn’s book supports the following points:
1. Punishments and rewards do not work and do not motivate people.
2. Penalties and rewards provide only short-term change and long-term demotivation.
3. These tactics destroy the cooperation between a parent and a child.
4. Punishments and rewards teach the child to avoid punishments and strive for rewards by distracting their parents from what they are actually wanting the child to do.
You may intuitively feel that there is something wrong with the system of penalties and rewards, but it is difficult to define why unequivocally. I also figured this out independently — Professor Andrzej Blikle used a great analogy called ’the stick and the carrot’ — in his book ‘The doctrine of quality.’
Punishments, or metaphorically ‘the stick’ — is any unpleasant action which is announced in advance and stated by someone stronger than a child in order to change their behaviour. The important thing to realise is that even if the stronger one holds the stick — and they may or may not have any intention of using it.
As for rewards — they work in the same way as punishments. These are positive actions announced in advance and are stated by someone who, yet again, is stronger than the child. These tactics are used in order to change the child’s behaviour. The important thing to remember is that it is always the stronger one who has the carrot in their hand and they may or may not give it.
As you can see, penalties and rewards are different sides of the same coin. They have exactly the same goal — behaviour change, which is only achieved by promising or giving different things. You therefore force your child to be motivated by using an external motivation.
Typical penalties which parents use include standing in a corner, disciplinary language, taking a toy away, introducing a barrier to a specific activity, for example; restrictions, taking away pocket money, corporal punishment, which we discussed very extensively in the animation about spanking and beating children. However, when we look at the situation from the child’s perspective — if he or she does something that they know will result in a penalty, for example; a console or TV restriction — and the parent does not impose a punishment as a result of a combination of events — the child feels as if they have received a reward. It is the same with adults. It is said that if you get away with something without a penalty — you feel a sense of triumph. The stick magically turned into a carrot.
Typically the carrots which children are rewarded with are sweets, praise, money, loosening restrictions on the console or computer, being able to buy something. At the same time, if the child is aware that they will receive a carrot for certain behaviours — for example; they have cleaned their room — following them cleaning their room — if the parent does not give the carrot to the child, the child will feel disappointed and hurt. Likewise, an adult who does not receive a monthly bonus will feel as if they were punished, which realistically only means that they do not receive a ‘carrot’ although the feeling of being punished is very real.
“In the mind of a child whose mother promises ice cream for doing homework, the thought immediately arises that, according to mum, doing homework itself must be unattractive” — Professor Blikle
Punishments and rewards have a deeper degenerating effect on the perception of tasks and challenges facing a child. The child will most likely feel the following things:
1. That they are under constant supervision and their behaviour is constantly assessed.
2. That the situations are one-sidedly imposed by who is stronger, which creates a relationship between alike a subject and the master.
3. Children are less willing to ask for advice or help, because it is a sign that they cannot do something, and mistakes according to the contract are punished. Furthermore mistakes can certainly result in the loss of a carrot — therefore in order to avoid mistakes, individual action is limited.
4. Children learn to scratch and look for carrots at the cost of realistically understanding the consequences of their actions.
5. Children develop the habit of obedience, not independence — acting without parental consent may result in punishment, so it is better not do anything to provoke this.
6. A child who knows that there is no chance of a reward completely gives up on making any effort — and they do exactly as they wish.
7. Punishments violate human dignity, and automatically generate a desire for retaliation.
8. A sufficiently long punishment can destroy a person, both small and adult, to the level where they resign from the desire to retaliate.
9. The child does not learn from their mistakes, but only how to avoid mistakes.
10. Punishments are often impulsive, and this causes fear in children, also consequently it causes anxiety. Fear is natural, but fear can be very irrational and may be associated by the child with any given situation, for example a parent’s specific behaviour or a specific situation. Because of this a frightened child may experience trauma by only thinking about a given situation.
11. The ultimate goal is not to succeed in an action, but to obtain a carrot.
12. Most importantly — the child learns that certain tasks are not worth doing voluntarily, they have to be additionally provoked, which kills their natural motivation to act positively.
“You can force anyone to do almost anything with the carrot and stick method. Except for one thing — you cannot force someone to like something, especially their duties. “ — Professor Blikle
Part 2
Positive discipline
So, if you don’t use the punishment and rewards system, then what do you do?
Positive discipline. The idea of positive discipline is to draw consequences — it may seem like the punishments and rewards system at first glance. After all, this is an action — a reaction, but consistency plays a key part in this technique and requires a bit of concentration and rethinking of your actions.
In the book ‘No Drama Discipline’ by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryso, I found a well-worded answer that I will paraphrase:
You may recall a similar scene; you are leaving for work in the morning and taking your child to kindergarten on the way. You are just about to walk out the door — but you child is doing everything possible to torpedo your efforts. Like a tasmanian devil from the cartoon, they take off their jacket or even suddenly appear in front of you in their socks screaming that they need to use the toilet (usually when we have put winter overalls on them and almost managed to get them out the door). Of course this is on a day when you have a meeting at work first thing in the morning and cannot be late. Your blood starts to boil in frustration!
So, you may remember this situation, probably with amusement at this point, but back then you weren’t laughing. Your eyes turned red and at that moment there was no time to think about the situation at hand and break it down into prime factors. That is why we will do this now.
From the parents point of view, what the child is doing is mis-behavior. This is how we perceive this. I remember once a very similar situation when my mother asked: why don’t you get dressed? I replied, “Because I don’t want to. If you don’t put me on, you’ll be late. “ I forced my mother to dress me through threatening her. Sometimes the child may be deliberately threatening you and misbehaving — usually by slightly older children 6+, and sometimes it can just be a response to anger about something else.
Try this first tip;
It is important to consider if your child has all their basic needs covered. There is a great acronym for this; HALT, which means: STOP. It reminds you of four basic needs which must be met before a child “turns on their brain”. Because a child can be: H for Hungry, A for Angry, L for Lonely, or T for Tired. This will be useful for you and will allow you to quickly meet your child’s needs.
So: before you start demanding, check if the child’s needs are met.
Here is a second tip and point to consider;
Where do the consequences come from?
Let us return to the analysis of our situation: the described behaviour of the child misbehaving insinuates that the child has strayed from socially normal behaviour. The instinctive response from the parent is punishment. Impulsive and unplanned punishment.
On the other hand, consistency is always planned, agreed, aimed at the development and education of the child, and based on respect and assertiveness. It is clear to both sides, there is no exaggeration, no surprise. This technique gradually introduces the child to the world of real consequences.
If unruly consequences could be compared to a crazy, unpredictable storm — educational consequences can be compared to a strong, still mountain. A mountain is secure and stands tall where a storm is much more dynamic and unbridled. Real consequences in the form of a tamed mountain will be more controlled as we are aware what the results will be rather than a storm. Action — reaction — each action has predictable consequences.
If you don’t want to dress properly, you’ll be cold. The parent does not have to do anything in this context, but in this situation, they can allow the child to conduct a controlled experiment — they can leave the house in summer shoes during the winter and get wet and cold feet in the rain. The child will learn very quickly that they will get cold and wet. Take your time with this experiment — let your child make the mistake and backtrack, you will build trust with your child as they will believe what you are saying as you were correct with your warning to them but letting them find out for themselves. Protecting a child from making a mistake is an expression of not only distrust, but also making the child dependent on the attitude of constant obedience. For parents who like the method of controlled experiments — it will not be strange when I say that the child has no problem listening to unambiguous, imposed prohibitions, e.g. do not eat pills, because you can die of it, do not put hands to the fire, because you will go to the hospital. A child raised in this way trusts what the parent says in these situations, based on the previous experiences when the parent warned the child but let them find out for themself.
Tip number three:
The child needs to understand WHY
As the child has misbehaved by breaking a rule or challenging a social norm, it is important to make sure the child is aware of this. Completely aware. Because if they are aware, they will want to understand the exact limits in place. They want to know the exact limits because of two reasons; Firstly out of sheer curiosity, and secondly out of fear. As the child will realise that violating the standards in an open environment don’t work in their favour, therefore they will try to define limits in the safest environment that they know — the family. This is why the following syndrome is so common: Angelic behaviour in the kindergarten, and terrible behaviour at home. In kindergarten, the hierarchy is not as clear, where abouts at home, the hierarchy is obvious to the child and they know that they can afford a lot more experimentation.
Therefore, it is a good idea to outline the behavioural limits with your child and make the consequences known to both parties. It is very easy for parents to assume that their child understands the consciences without having to explain them — but the consequences are not obvious for a child especially before the age of 8–9, everything is new and not so obvious.
That is why it is so important that when we discuss consequences with our children we must use examples so they can understand all the consciences of their behaviour. The child needs to understand WHY.
When explaining to your child it is a good idea to use a story example so they can understand. For example let’s formulate a rule in the form of a story about a boy or a girl, you can start the story and let the child help to finish the story. It is important that the story is not about the child themself, but about a stranger who behaved in a similar manner. This is crucial as it builds a certain amount of emotional distance for the child. We want to stimulate rational reflection, but also to rely on the emotions of the child, because we want to arouse their concern, compassion, and consequently — commitment.
Finally, let’s summarise normal and acceptable behaviour in the form of rules and — this technique will significantly contribute to how effective it will be due to the child choosing how they would like the story to end. Let them decide for themselves situations — for example how and when they would like to prepare for leaving the house, when to get dressed, when they need help, etc. This will trigger a very important mechanism of commitment based on the need for self-determination.
It is important to not focus on a one time success story — it is a marathon, not a sprint. Almost certainly the story will have to be repeated, the rules will need to be reformulated and the child needs to adjust to new situations. This technique is based on many experiences of a range of parents and is confirmed by extensive research, it is important to educate yourself on different peoples experiences so this increases the effectiveness. As you can see this technique is more time consuming than punishing your child, but it is more effective long term for the parent and the child’s development.
Let’s have a look at the forth tip;
When we are setting the behavioural norms and consequences which will be followed by unacceptable behaviour, it is important to set them gradually.
The most important thing is that your child listens to you and understands their responsibilities. General standards may be keeping their room tidy, being responsible for a pet and so on. As the child gets older there will be more responsibilities implemented. For example in a professional sense a manager in a company would describe this as ‘delegating responsibilities.’ The number of ‘obvious’ responsibilities increase and it is not always necessary to precisely specify all of them. In the case of a younger child, the rules should be formulated as simply as possible so that the child does not have a problem understanding them and what consequences will follow if they are not completed. A general rule, for example, would be that if your child does not listen to you it insinuates that they have broken off cooperation with you. Therefore you are not obligated to maintain this cooperation. So if your child is not cooperating, neither do you.
There are also specific standards and rules where there are other factors to take into consideration. For example if the child is not taking care of something, or not doing something it is important that some time is spent improving on this with your child. When the child is in the earlier stages of development the rules or standards should be more black and white — easier to follow and understand. For example if you say to a child; ”It is important for the living room to be tidy so then we have space to spend time together as a family. Today, just like yesterday and last week you left your toys all over the floor. It is important to clean up the toys before dinner and take them to your bedroom to make sure they don’t get damaged by someone standing on them. If you need some help please talk to me about it. If the toys are not tidy, I will remind you. If they’re still out of place, I’ll put them in a box for a week, because that’s where they belong if we’re not having fun. “ This is a scheme for a two or three year old child. With older children, you can agree on a type of consequence or ways of carrying out tasks.
We do not always have to define the consequences immediately when setting a standard. The older the child is, the more the consequences are to take into account his / her ability to learn independently and consciously. How much can they control themselves — let’s face it — who can fully? — we should consider creating norms and consistency. For example, if your 9-year-old daughter tells you that it is difficult for her to control herself and not to use a smartphone while studying, you may come to the conclusion that instead of setting the consequences — she will leave the smartphone with you for this time.
And finally the fifth and final tip;
Take a breath and ask for help.
Rush often delays everything, increases the child’s resistance, generates irrational anger and punishments. Such situations are similar to deliberately pushing a car into a traffic jam, creating an even more difficult situation on the road. If you are late, your child’s resistance may be a reaction to stress, not their ill-will.
Also, learn to say to your child in such situations, “Please help me.” Think creatively and comprehensively, develop a model of cooperation with your child in such situations. If you have a persistent problem with it and you do not have the flexibility or time to set rules — you will repeat the problems over and over again, punishing the child, stressing them, yourself and everyone around them.
